


To tear the heavens apart.

by reiicharu



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, Kanjani8 (Band)
Genre: Alternative Reality Switch, F/M, Laws of Messed Up Universes, M/M, Parallel Universe, Pretentious Writing, Universe Enabled Genderswitch, Will Power Universal Switches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-23
Updated: 2013-10-23
Packaged: 2017-12-30 06:31:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1015307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reiicharu/pseuds/reiicharu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is exactly what he wanted, but you can’t always get what you want.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To tear the heavens apart.

**Author's Note:**

> For MAI Riha, my darling, my sweet and kind friend who had made this bid two years ago. The fic that took three two years to actually [](http://help-japan.livejournal.com/profile)[**help_japan**](http://help-japan.livejournal.com/). This is for you, the most insane and pretentious and nonsensical thing I’ve ever written or thought up. All the inspiration, you can blame everything that’s ever influenced but in this case, I can’t even. Much thanks to V and R for having to deal with me over the last two years when I changed and changed this story because it had to be perfect. This story is yours, [](http://tatoeba.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://tatoeba.livejournal.com/)**tatoeba**. Thank you for being such a wonderful, patient friend.

 

 

 

Subaru wears a raincoat for the photo shoot. He’s disgruntled and stands around in the rain, with his raincoat, which is a bright shade of red. Fire truck red, even. Yasu makes honking noises and Subaru chases him around with Hina’s umbrella, and Hina yells at them to stop being idiots, they’re all getting soaked. And then Ohkura, all knowing master of logic, points out that if they’re already wet, why would Hina need his umbrella back. Maru thinks it’s hilarious, because Maru would make a joke out of a rain drop and splashes in a puddle, just so the camera man gets a shot and everyone can sort of play along with it. Yoko is not playing around with it because Yoko is wearing bright yellow gumboots and wails that his wardrobe could be nicer. And then he steals Ryo’s umbrella.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chi finds it hilarious, Chi towel dries Ryo hair for him after his shower. She kisses him and laughs and says that it’s too bad. It’s too late to go for a walk. She likes the rain, says it makes her nostalgic.

“What could you be nostalgic about, you have absolutely no memories,” Ryo snorts.

But it’s not too late. Ryo grabs an umbrella, takes her by the hand and drags her out of the apartment for a walk in the rain with the night cool and damp and no one around to hear them laugh softly to one another.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ryo wonders if Chi gets tired of it all, if she wants someone to remember and something to hold onto. I cannot possibly be enough for you. Ryo tries to ask her about it, but always stops halfway because he keeps deciding that he wants to be enough, he wants to be more than enough. It’s what you do, when two people care for each other. Become their everything, become their world.

Do you ever want anything, Ryo never asks her, do you want more. This can’t possibly be enough. He can ever ask her because he knows that he wouldn’t want to hear the answer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kanjani8 is saving the world, one smile at a time. It’s brilliant, it’s exhausting. Ryo trades sleep for results, and it shows. Ryo signs himself onto the big screen once more and feels a bundle of electric nerves coiled in his stomach, churning and vicious with painful static that threatens to paralyse him, to shake him, to knock him out. He’s not going to give up, they’ve come so far. He’s come so far.

No one really blinks an eye if he gets his lines perfect, because he’s that good. Ryo knows he’s that good. He’s getting better every year, with practise, with his scripts highlighted and the kanji cards he borrowed off Kamenashi (although Kamenashi will tell a different story, that Nishikido Ryo hounded him in the parking lot and the jimusho and tried to bribe him with cake and coffee until Kamenashi would hand over his legendary flashcard set, and that Kamenashi gave him the cards to just get Ryo out of his face, but no one knows that Kamenashi gave them away with a smile, because they’re both more than idols, they want to be actors, they wants to more than a shining star that burns out after a forgotten millennium of hair dye and pyrotechnics).

With Ryo on the big screen, with all of them everywhere and on posters and billboards and small screen and big screen and flyers stuck on the conbini windows, they’re going places. Across the nation, reaching hearts. Really sentimental bullshit that Ryo denies liking, but will keep working hard for.

The thing is, Kanjani8 is somewhat whole now. A little bit dog-earred in the corners, but they keep it that way. Folded corners because Kanjani8 really is eight, that they’ll always wear pink underwear under their clothes when they go onto Music Station. They’re repaired, with glue and hard work and aspiration.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ryo wrote into pages that he tore out, Ryo wrote his life into pages he tore out. He writes a new story, rewrites it over just for them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He shifts Chi’s fingers over the fret board, arm around her as he strums and she holds the chords. Ryo sings softly into her ear, helps her shift to the right chords for a song that he says he wrote long ago. He won’t play it at the lives, so he’ll sing this song for her.

She’s not really musical, but Chi is there to hear him sing and do more than applaud, and Ryo wants her to be there to listen.

Everyday, Ryo goes to work and comes back and he finds her trying to cook or rearranging the books on his shelves and sometimes he finds her looking out the window, at the lights across the water. He asks if they beckon to her, if they’re spelling out destiny for them. Ryo says to Chi that destiny will never separate them, not if their lives depended on it. Have you heard of people who think their lives are written in the stars, have you ever heard a happy ending to their stories.

He has to kiss her, to drive the point home. Ryo will never again look to the galaxy to map out his future; he’ll take his life into his own hands and draw it out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who the hell are you, he asked her the very first time. What the hell are you doing in a cardboard box.

Chi touched her nose with the back of her hand, nervous. She was staring blankly from the cardboard box address to his apartment.

Ryo said that this is crazy, that this can’t be real.

She sort of agreed, but said that she didn’t what else to do. She doesn’t know much. But he’s Ryo, right?

Then he asked if she’s a stalker and then she said she’s Chiku.

I’m going to call the police, he threatened, what do you want. Please leave.

She sort of just kept staring, but then asked him what did he want.

 

 

 

 

 

 

At New Year’s, Ryo didn’t ask for much. He did clean his hands, his mouth. He was pure, cleansed and with the bell’s ring echoing through the winter air, his wish was simple. Two bows, two claps—just give me good health. Success. Another national tour, harmony between his family, harmony between his group, no career threatening scandals, a rise in pay, high single sales, high album sales, a movie, more endorsements and if possible, for the shop down the road from his place not to close down because Ryo does love their taiyaki. And Ryo had opened his eyes, only to squeeze them shut once more. Happiness, but only if possible. It had been a quick afterthought and when he bowed, when he straightened, Ryo didn’t think much about it all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

No one can deny that they’re hard workers. They were the fools from Kansai, Osakan born and bred, too much and too crass and with crazy facial expressions. Yoko refuses that, takes on personas and gives Ryo a run for his money because he can be an actor to. And he tells this to all of them. Don’t let Ryo be the only one. We’re all going to be good at this. Everything. Together. And this is with Yasu standing close to Ohkura, close and looking a little shorter than usual and then Yasu straightens up.

I’m good at other things, I shan’t be an actor. Yasu is their smiles and their sunlight, Yasu is the colour and he waves like he hasn’t got a care in the world, bleached hair or black hair, oranges pairs or polka dot t-shirts and whether or not people miss the moments his fingers curl around Ohkura’s hands when he should be standing next to someone or no one at all.

As long as we’re all who we are, Hina shrugs, because Hina thinks that he’s going to have to put up with this lot forever. Don’t you like the idea of forever, Maru coos, pokes Hina on the side and gets smacked over the head. Don’t you want it to be like this all the time, all of us driving you crazy. We’ll give you grey hairs. Old man, old man. You’ll be telling stories of us in your old age. I’ll correct you if you get it wrong. I’ll always be the hero.

They agree that Hina can tell the stories, that Hina will speak of Kanjani8 until his last breath, till his lips are cracked and dry and Hina will not let anyone forget that it was Ohkura who ate Subaru’s onigiri. Ryo coughs, because Ohkura actually shared with him, but no one needs to know that part. Subaru was really looking forward to the onigiri Yoko’s sister made for him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everyone makes big plans for tour, for each and every single they sell. Number one. Most amount of number ones. Sell all the singles. It’s actually possible, right. To be this great. Ryo doesn’t ask that, but his heart is pounding faster and faster, the tempo of this crazy world that never stops.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chi is Ryo’s and he pulls her into bed when she wakes up before him. Chi is beautiful in the mornings with tussled brown hair and amused stares. Chi is Ryo’s and what’s his will not be shared. Ryo kisses her and pushes her down and climbs on top of her, runs his hands over her body and makes it all clear. He litters her with bite marks and kisses and pleasure. You’re beautiful. I want you so much. You’re so fucking beautiful, don’t ever leave.

Afterwards, sated and breathless, she asks he where do you think she could possibly go. Chi is mocking and smiling, as though she thinks he’s crazy for some stupid plea. She knows only Ryo.

You’re happy, right. He kisses her on the forehead, on the tip of her nose. He wonders who fixed it, who made it so perfectly straight. He kisses the iridescent scar on the bridge, telltale, almost faded. You’re happy with me. I’m happy with you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He had to introduce her. Because Yoko and Hina came over uninvited and it was awkward. He said that she was someone he knows, that she’s Chi. Just Chi. Chiku, actually. He stumbled over his words and they both thought he was losing his mind.

Yoko said that Chi looked pretty familiar, but she’s pretty to begin with.

Hina smacked Yoko over the head. They both took photos to send to Uchi and to everyone and then Ryo tackled them to the floor and made them promise not to let anyone know. This is what he wants to keep, small and private to himself.

Chi’s met them all, because Ryo relented and they had a nabe party and Maru asked what she did during the day, you know, to keep busy. And then she had to explain pilates.

Hina said he’s taken a pilates class and then Subaru snorted, because Hina only did pilates to pick up women.

Everyone liked her, and Ryo sighed with relief. Although, his stomach twisted. Yasu said she’s rather familiar, a face he might have seen in another lifetime and Ohkura just dumped more lettuce onto his bowl. Everyone laughed it off, but Ryo knew that it was more than crazy talk. But he forced himself to laugh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ryo decides he wants a gamble, so he gets a pack of cards and picks out the aces, holds up the ace of hearts for Chi to see. Places three aces face down on the floor and shifts the three cards back and forth, one over the other and tells her that it’s possible for her to pick the card, she could win anything if she knows, just pick the right card. And he stops, looks her right in the eye.

They sit on his living room floor, a spot where that cardboard box once sat on his living room, sealed shut with duct tape.

Chi picks the middle and he shows her the spades. Gestures for her to come closer, come hither with his finger and Chi glares and shuffles closer. He pulls her towards him for a deep kiss, hot and his teeth raking her lips and tongue and steals her breath. Says that if she wins, she gets a prize and if he wins, she has to pay up. Rules of the game.

She never wins, frustrated by the grift, the confidence trick, the daylight swindling. But she’s flushed red from the continued demand of kisses and soon, they forget it. Ryo grabs her by the wrist and tugs her towards his bedroom, laughing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ryo knows he cannot be seen with Chi. She’s not his girlfriend and he’s not her boyfriend. People make rumours, say he’s dating someone from AKB48, say that he’s going at it with Horikita Maki. She never cares about the tabloids, because they both know the truth. It’s enough, right, he asks her. Or are you going to go crazy and scream that I’m a horrible, horrible person (because that wouldn’t be undeserved) but there are no fights over it.

She’s not his girlfriend, but Ryo doesn’t want this in the papers. He’s not her boyfriend, but this isn’t something people need to know. The cardboard box was folded up and shoved under his bed. It was addressed to him, it was delivered in the middle of spring (like blossoming hope, Ryo always found it to be a bit too trite, but he didn’t want to question it).

He meets Sawajiri Erika for a drink, to throw the sniffing dogs off the trail. Ryo talks to her, asks how she is. Her hair is cropped and short and blonde and Erika is smiling. Still a perfect smile that’s automatic, flickers on like a light, so instantly Ryo wonders when it’ll crack. Erika is good, Erika has changed. She doesn’t snub reporters at press conferences, she’s an actress, she’s going to be a muse of all the artists, the girl with the most in the high heels and beautiful dress. She’ll go places, she’s seen the world and nothing, no one can deny her what she wants and Ryo has to admire it. She has a fire in her that took him years to find, but in Erika, it’s innate and undeniable.

This isn’t about starting over, she says. We just have to move on. Or maybe we’re hiding something.

I’m fine, Ryo is automatic in his answer.

Her smile is real now, a little sharp and he sort of remembers how they once happened when he was supposedly rough and she was supposedly sweet. It’s never what the world thinks.

You watched me die, and now you’re just going to pretend we never went through all that. Even if you told me your secrets, she says, no one would believe a world I say. I’m the bitch, a whore, a liar.

When you ran away to Europe, did you find what you were looking for. Ryo wants to know what’s with running away, what’s with Europe and America and places where you can see stars in the sky, where people smile at you from across the road. What’s with that. What about everyone you left behind. I watched you die, I watched you fight, I watched you give the industry everything you have and then you decided you couldn’t do it anymore.

This isn’t about me, Ryo.

No, he admits. It’s not. But just pretend it is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The history of Kanjani8 is simple. We were eight, we were seven. It was always us, the boys from the West, the boys who cackle and laugh and tell bad jokes and tackle each other from across the studio and never stopped believing. Underdogs, coming from behind, Ryo wants to tell the world to place their bets on Kanjani. Ryo knows, he just knows that with everyone, they can aim for stars.

(Because the history of Kanjani is different, because Ryo was always and has only ever and will be in Kanjani. This is the rewritten version, this is how he’s making things right.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s not enough, is it. Just being here. With me. You’re going to go crazy. He mumbles stupid things when falling asleep, when tired from smiling for interview and cameras trained on his face. You’re becoming a prisoner in this house.

I have pilates, Chi mumbles right back, in bed and curled up right to him. I can keep fit.

The next day, Ryo buys her a whole box of books on the way back home from work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He didn’t believe her at first. How can she have no memories. She’s lying, she’s a stalker, she’s going to sell his story to the papers. Ryo said that this is crazy. Said that there’s no way, no possible way for this to be—

But she insisted. Said that this is what it is. She has nothing. Just a name and his name.

Ryo said that it’s just a name, that’s not enough. A name is not enough to define a person, to fill the pages of their lives, to write the memories.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Their costumes are a garnish of colours, clashing and bright and Yasu claims he designed them. Or, at least helped design them. No one is surprised, but everyone is rather pleased because this is a team effort. Like in sports. Someone has to defend the goal.

No one is quite sure how that metaphor works, but it fits them, like the clothes on their backs.

The talk of tour has them buzzing, has them busy. They’ve got a lot to live up to. They’re young and vivacious, they’re going for another strong year. National tour and all. They talk about the song list, about how they’re going to make it loud and clear that they’re going to change the world with a smile. Save the world in the way the Eito Rangers can. They’re sort of meant to fight the bad guys, but then Maru claims that sadness is also a bad guy. Smiles are the weapons. That’s acceptable logic, or Subaru claims it is, so they all go along with it.

They’re nervous. Look how well everyone’s done this year. NEWS has come so far. NEWS is so strong, for a four member group. Always been four, north and south and east and west. Four, four, four—

Yes. Just four. It’s always been and always has and always will be four.

Ryo has to tell himself to breathe, tell himself that this is how he’s written the story. This is how he wants it to be and then he yells that they’re going to do really great, but would Hina stop smacking him when he’s too quiet. He’s totally not too quiet today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kamenashi Kazuya is the poster boy for Toshiba, new CMs played on television with another new model of Dynabook ready to sell.

It’s because he’s good looking or something. It must be the suit, it must be because he’s sort of perfect or something like that. The logic escapes Ryo but at least, he thinks, at least there’s no empty spaces. At least it’s all covered up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The water bubbles over, and the both of them jump back. Chi splutters and freaks out, grabs the handle of the pot to remove it from the stove. Ryo promptly dumps a damp cloth over the stove, and turns off the gas.

They eat instant noodles for dinner, laughing every time they make eye contact, sheepish and silly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It wasn’t too long ago, Ryo realises. He doesn’t sleep easy, but he closes his eyes. Try to block it out. He tells himself this is how he wants it to be, because he is happy. He’s happier than he has been in awhile, this is fair. He deserves this happiness.

Ryo falls asleep, to the dreams of shouts to the stars, curses to the sky. I hope you’re happy now. You wanted to be alone, you wanted to reach the top. You fell, you couldn’t get more than number two. I hope you’re happy now. We were great, we were happy. I could have done it. Balance it. I’m not tired, you’re an idiot. Why are you so fucking selfish.

He’s sleeping, a restless sleep that has him tossing and turning, holding a thin figure that is warm, so warm and he clings tighter, as he shouts in his sleep. His car parked, and the waves lapping at the shore with the summer air humid and thick. The Rainbow Bridge is a disastrous clash of shimmering light that just promises to dazzle them, and Ryo is still shouting to a face that he’s erased. Are you glad that you messed up and have no one to blame. This is what you wanted. Ryo has cruel words, cold eyes and more to shout. Stop calling me when you fuck up, I’m not your best friend anymore. God, I hate you. You made me choose, I didn’t want to choose between anything. You should have stayed by my side. I wish I had done everything on earth with you. We could have stayed at the top, together. All of us. I wasn’t enough for you, right. This is all on you, Tomohisa. I never want to see you ever again.

He wakes from his sleep, Chi next to him and Ryo breathes a sigh of relief. He kisses her on the forehead and pulls her close, just to make sure she doesn’t disappear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s his day off and Ryo doesn’t know what to do. He sits in front of the television with a bowl of senbei crackers and Chi says that he’s ridiculous. Seriously.

He’s not ridiculous, he’s just lazy. Or something.

But they go out when it’s dark, a walk through the neighbourhood with the both of them hand in hand. Ryo pulls Chi close and they see a cat padding across the street, lithe and quick. Chi stops at the vending machine to get them both a cold tea and he stands behind her, arms around her waist and his foot behind the both of hers as she makes a selection. They’re pressed close together, he wonders if anyone were to look from the outside, if they’d look like two parts making a whole. He hopes so.

Chi ignores him, the way he breathes her in, presses his face into her neck, but she’s probably smiling. She slides the coins into the machine and asks if he has an early morning tomorrow. He just grunts and she says that it’s not an answer. But she’ll assume a yes. She tells him that she’s read quite a few books. They’re all familiar, like she’s seen the stories behind in some other place, some other time. Maybe they’re books from the blurred images that she admits might be memories. Is it possible to remember fictional stories from your former reality. Is this crazy talk.

He presses a kiss to her neck and says sure. Let’s go with that. What books did you read.

They walk off and she tells him she read Norwegian Wood, and he says he’s read that one. Ryuusei no Kizuna. Didn’t you know that I acted in that—really?—yeah, it was fun. But it was different from the novel. And she tells him she read an American book, that it was translated and it’s a great classic. It had a sad ending, so let’s not talk about that.

Her hand is so warm, fits perfectly in his. Ryo doesn’t let go, not until they have to step back into his apartment and even then, he still wants to hold on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everyone is actually really excited about Hina’s drama with Katori-san. 2Shingo, people giggle, both in person and online. Shingo as the old cop and Hina as the volatile, young thing. This is going to be a great drama, yes?

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was always meant to care about you, I couldn’t make myself stop if I wanted to. He says things like these when she’s frustrated; on the days Chi is sitting by the window with a blanket over her shoulders, rubs at her nose in frustration and looks at the blinking lights. Ryo says he could move apartments, teases her gently and says if they’re really mocking her, they can find a place with a view that doesn’t hurt so damn much.

I was the girl you found in a cardboard box, she mutters. Stop caring about me. Go and be happy. Go date normal people. You don’t want me.

He sits down on the floor, right across her and asks what’s wrong.

Chi says the lights are another forgotten memory, a sea of blinking lights. But for some reason, she can hear chants and screams and music echoing in her heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You see, he tells her the next morning, I can’t do normal. If you haven’t exactly realised, I’m kinda famous and amazing in bed and I have standards.

So, she says, you take me on as your charity case. The girl in the cardboard box for the boy with the big ego. Wow, you really are something.

Ryo closes his eyes, opens them. They’re standing in his kitchen and fighting about this. He thinks she’ll pack up and leave. Everything she has, she could fit it into the box she came in. She’ll leave. Run away to Chiba, to Europe. It wouldn’t be the first time.

I’ll be back at six, he says instead. Let’s go somewhere.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maru and Yasu apparently worked together to bring lunch for everyone. There’s an assortment of cute side dishes such as squid shaped sausages with happy little legs (by Yasu) and tamagoyaki cut into stars, probably with a cookie cutter (definitely Maru) and everyone is grateful and happy. Ryo takes a photo of the food, and then grabs the onigiri coated in pink furikake, simply because it’s was far too colourful to resist.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey, he says. You look nice.

I’m wearing a dress, Chi grinds out. I’m wearing nice clothes and I’m still mad at you.

We’re going out. Odaiba. Lie down on the sand now that the sun’s down and no one can see you and me and no one can get photos. Let’s just go and be near the water. I want to make it up to you for the last time.

They do lie on the sand, look up at the dark, empty sky.

You’re not going to say sorry for shouting at me, Ryo-chan?

He wants to know who’s asking this, but Ryo says no. But he laughs. Because they came here, not long after he opened up the box that brought her to him. He was angry, stood in the sand and back then she was still wearing the clothes he loaned her because Ryo had half the mind to put her back in the box and send her away. He was shouting at her back then, shouting angry words (like the shouting in his stupid dreams, but not the same shouting) and he was asking if she remembered. Why can’t you just help me out here, stop making this so fucking complicated. He shouted and she stood there and stared and then asked what did he want.

Ryo is quiet, mind set on that moment of stupidity because she offered to disappear and Ryo’s heart had caught in his throat at the thought of losing his cardboard box mail order, that he’s shot himself in the foot once more and there’s no way to undo this as well and if he’s going to have to throw coins in the fountain to fix his mess.

Chi asks him if he’s okay, she asks him if something’s bothering him. Ryo rolls over, on top of her and takes her face in his hands and kisses her.

Don’t ever disappear. Don’t go. Don’t you dare leave my side. He promises to make a million memories for her, countless like the lights that once wrote their fates, he’ll make enough memories to replace the ones she no longer has (the ones he stole from her, the ones he erased with his selfishness).

Okay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

(He should have made her promise.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hina actually freaks out. Goes around smacking people with his script and tears his dressing room apart when he can’t find his watch and then shakes Subaru back and forth, screeching that he can’t do this. He ain’t actor material, screw what Yoko has to say, he’s not going to do this. Dokkun can totally replace him, dark and brooding Dokkun who all the fangirls love and will want to see in a uniform. Yes, that totally works. And then Subaru asks why Hina is screaming at him if he wants Ryo to be his replacement and Hina wails he doesn’t know.

Ryo has to slap a thousand yen note into Maru’s waiting palm. Hina could have waited another two days to freak out. Ryo would have gotten to keep his money.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chi helps him with the words in his script, the kanji that he never studied. She laughs, tells him that he really should widen his vocabulary. She uses the dictionary to teach him the readings, help him memorise the right word instead of the one he tries to read. She sounds like she knows a bit more than he does, just a bit. She sounds like she’s read books with difficult words and Ryo tells himself it’s all the books he bought her, all that fiction, all the stories. He pretends it’s not words she’s read before they met for the second time round.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He writes a song, on paper with the chords scribbled out and then replaced with other ones. He stays up past the late hours of the night, until dawn breaks and that’s when Ryo puts his guitar aside and falls asleep on the sofa. Chi finds him there and forces him to go to bed to sleep for an hour or so before work. She promises to wake him and she does, with toast. Ryo had no idea that there was bread in the apartment, but Chi just shrugs and tells him to eat. He needs the energy.

Ryo says he’ll play the song for her, when he’s done. Just, wait. Until it’s done.

Chi says okay, she’ll definitely wait. She looks forward to it.

He asks if she ever gets tired of waiting. For him to finish work, for him to come home to her, for dark so they can go out without the paparazzi spying on them. He asks if she could do this, wait for him to come back to her. Doesn’t it ever get tiring. It’s ridiculous, because it’s selfish and he hasn’t really thought of it until now. Ryo swallows, says that if she doesn’t want to wait anymore, it’s fine. He’s been stupid, expecting her to stay here, be his own. To wait.

And Chi smiles, flicks him on the forehead. Laughs and hides it behind her hand, fingers brushing her nose. She’s nervous. Chi tries to hide it, her happiness, tells him that it’s okay. She’ll wait for him to come to her, come back to her. Because she’s quite sure Ryo would do the same. It’s fine. If I ever leave, I’ll return to you, Ryo. So every time you leave, you need to return. This is how it’ll be, with me and you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

After that night, after screaming loud and clear on the sand of Odaiba, Ryo pretended he was fine. It was such a long time ago, when it was humid and sticky. The air is cooler now, everything back then never really existed. Ryo thinks that the world is right as it is, that he made it right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He’s happy. He decides that this much actually be the fragile glass they call happiness.

Everyone falls in place, with the music in their ears, with their eagerness for the screaming crowds.

Ryo sort of says screw it. He takes her out to places, cap pulled over his head and Chi’s hand in his. He holds on tight to her, to happiness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes, she says that it gets a bit suffocating. You keep me here and expect me to wait whilst the world passes me by. And I hate it, watching as the world rushes on. It’s like I’ve felt this all before, do you know what I mean. She’s earnest and sitting on top of him at night, kissing him and in between her words, Ryo feels his heart race and think oh god, no. Please no.

Then we can find you something to do.

I don’t know what to do, she says. I have nothing, I am nothing. I was your delivery.

Do you ever find it strange, he asks her. I found it strange.

No one else questions it. Why don’t I want to know, why don’t you tell me what’s going on. Why didn’t you throw me out into the cold.

Because. Because, Ryo has reasons, he has a million reasons. Because, and he doesn’t give her a reason.

Throw me out, Ryo. Because I don’t think that this is right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

NEWS releases a single and Ryo buys it. Tegoshi’s blonde hair is blinding. Masuda’s hugged an Olympia, Kato’s written a book that Ryo has yet to read. Koyama’s dyed his hair darker, and he’s a good adult. It’s sort of how it should be, this is the way it should be. This is how to make it right, because NEWS will get to tour and have their success and nothing is stopping them. They deserve this much.

Ryo puts the CD on his shelf with the others, unfamiliar titles of the past. He bought them all in bulk, wearing a mask and the girl at Tsutaya thought he was a closet fan and tried not to give him a freaked out look but Ryo didn’t care. He’s supporting this. He needs to make it right.

He asks Chi if she knows NEWS and Chi shakes her head. But says she’s heard their music in the CD shops. Likes them. Thinks they’re kinda cute.

That makes him laugh so hard that he doubles over onto the floor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wish we could just see the world. Just one day, we’ll pack a bag and leave and get out of here and go to Spain, we’ll paint in Paris and see the sun rise over the Savannah. If I could do anything, it would be to do all the things that you can only dream of.

Ryo didn’t know what to say. We can do this. Now, tonight. Let us leave, together. He didn’t know what he was meant to say. How could he find the words to respond. They were too young to be tired, too old to be wholly loved. But he thought that if he could, he would have taken them away from this place a long time ago. Maybe it’s a question that’s been asked before.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He sleeps well. Goes to work and terrorises everyone because he can, becomes a troll and cackles madly and plays on Hina’s nerves but then lends him Kamenashi’s kanji cards. They’re all working too hard, but it doesn’t matter. They’ll do this together. Maru and Yoko hand out the pink underpants they’ve bought for everyone and Subaru pretends that he’s too embarrassed but his smile was the biggest. It’s stupid and it’s crazy and Ryo keeps working on his song, takes deep breaths when the melody escapes him, a love song he doesn’t know the words to. But he keeps trying, it always takes time to get it right. Everyone grabs onto one another, Yasu onto Ohkura’s wrist suddenly on Janiben, but the cameras cut it out. Ryo smiles at them.

He doesn’t have the once replayed dream, of his vicious and cruel words, how he shattered his world with those words and the lonely Tanabata night when the rain was beating down, and Ryo didn’t have a tree so he sticky taped a paper wish to the cold glass of the window. The white strip of paper was stark against the bright lights of Tokyo, a wish that wanted things to change, to be with that one soul that’s now completely gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He says meet me after work, meet me at Shibuya. I’ll take you out for coffee or something. It’s not the beautiful sights of the world, but the city is alive after dark.

Ryo folds up his love song, puts it in his wallet and says he’s off for the night. Thank you all for the hard work.

That’s when Yasu looks at him, tells him to be careful and Ryo says that it’s fine. You don’t know what you’re worried about and that’s when Yasu says yeah, that’s the problem. I feel like something’s wrong and I just don’t get it. Something’s not really working out, is it. And the ground opens up underneath his feet, Ryo feels himself falling, tripping, stumbling over his own mistakes and his smile is frozen.

Are you happy, Ryo.

Yes, Ryo can say yes. I am happy.

Then, it’s alright then.

 

 

 

 

 

 

After Ryo had bought his mail order delivery some girl clothes, Ryo went to a temple and threw a coin into the box. Bow twice and then clapped twice. And he sincerely wished that this chance wouldn’t disappear too quickly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He rushes home, and before he can put his key in the door, Ryo gets a call. Management is angry and that is never a good sign. Management is very angry, and they want him to put an end to this dalliance because people have been talking (what people, who the fuck could be talking when he’s been hiding this) and it turns out that people have been watching him, what the fuck and then management starts being really ridiculous and says that the papers has gotten a hold of the story. It’s going to be published, Nishikido. We need to do something about this. Ryo says it doesn’t really matter, that the papers always want to talk about something. He’s dating someone else.

The papers have evidence, there are photographs.

There are always photographs, Ryo hisses over his phone as he lets himself into the house. There is always evidence. There is always a story.

So, why is it that they say that Ryo stops now. Stop now or they’ll pull him from the movie. Stop now, right now.

Ryo asks why.

Because this is a risk, because we can take this away if you do not stop it yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s an empty threat. Ryo tells himself it’s an empty threat, takes a shower and lets Chi towel dry his hair.

He pulls the love song from his wallet, the folded piece of paper and gives it to her. Pretend that this is me, this is me giving you something important. Don’t read it. I’ll never sing this love song for you, because I can’t let myself remember how—just. It’s important that you have this. If I have to go, if I have to say goodbye—and she silences him. Kisses him. Presses her nose into his cheek, says it’ll be fine. We’ll be fine.

“I won’t let them separate us again,” Ryo whispers. “You hear me?”

“Yes, I hear you,” Chi murmurs back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everyone is sympathetic and says that it’s sad. Management is just being strict. Yasu casts him a look and Ryo shakes his head. Doesn’t want to talk about it. Yoko brushes on a moustache and does a stupid impression of Johnny scolding Hina, who dots on moles and pretends to be Ryo. Subaru becomes the unwilling Chi and then a play is re-enacted. Maru is the dragon, chasing them around and for a moment, everything is sort of okay because Ohkura jumps in and becomes a choo-choo train that runs all them over. The end. Ryo is laughing, pretending that the dreams didn’t return last night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chi has a bag packed when he returns home and she’s in his arms so quickly he doesn’t get to blink. She is shaking and scared, says that she’s not sure why.

He strokes her hair, catches her hand it moves up to touch her face in nervousness.

I wish we could just run away, she whispers.

He packs his shirts first, tossing them through the air at her and she catches them, shoving them into a bag. He makes her a hundred promises, all the places they’ll go, he will take her away from here. But by the time they’re done, Ryo loses all his energy because they could run to the ends of the earth and still, it would not be far enough. He’ll return to this world like the stars return to the night sky, like the music will once again roar in his ears. And besides, he said that they’d all make it together, with Kanjani8. That he’d save the world with smiles with coloured uniforms and helmets. He can’t go. Ryo’s worried Chi might cry.

She sits down on his bed, defeated with slumped shoulders.

Ryo won’t apologise, but he gives her his hand to hold, standing in front of her.

I love you, she says. It comes flying out and she looks at him, expression frozen and shocked at her own words. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to throw it at you.

He’s silent, equal shock all round. Words like that tend to have an effect on people. He never replies and Chi rushes past him, locks herself in the bathroom and won’t come out for the rest of the night. Ryo sits on the other side of the door, foolish and unable to say it back. He asks her, from his side of the door, if she’s mad. And she says no. He says that he can’t say it. He’s not sure why. But he would run away with her, but not now. That one day, he’ll say that words to her, but not yet. He slides his left hand under the bathroom door and feels her fingers curl over his.

Is it too late, did we meet too late. Did I come to you too late, she asks him, stupid worried words regarding a choice she had no control over.

Do you remember anything, before we met. He has to ask her, just once more.

Chi tells him, no. She doesn’t remember.

He leans his head on the wooden door, wonders if she’s doing the same. They fall asleep, holding hands under the crack of the door, just one more divide between them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Management asks if he’s let her go yet.

He lies and says that they broke up.

It’s over.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ryo buys another two decks of cards from the conbini.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yoko is trying to shove Maru off the table, maybe because he also wants to sit on the table. No one really cares for the chairs because that’s just too normal or something. Ryo’s not quite sure. But they all end up jostling each other so they can sit on the table and Hina screams because he’s too busy to care about them trying to claim their empire on a table because he’s trying to remember choreography for 2Shingo and well, that’s not going so well. Ohkura says who cares, it’s okay. Ryo can write you a song, he’s been working on me. They’re all placing bets though, for when Hina meets his mental breakdown from being grouped together with Shingo, from being elevated so high that he can’t believe it. Although, it’s not that high up. Sort of. Not sure. It’s meant to be good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

They’re sitting on the floor, and Ryo puts three cards face down, shuffles them one over the other and tells her to pick from one of the three.

It’s late, far too late. He came home late after getting a lecture from management, because he clearly hasn’t ending it when they tell him that he has to do that. He has to end it and when he thinks about it, Ryo feels their words wrapping strings around his wrists. Silken threads, with obligation attached and he hates it, he wants to break it but he can’t because he’s worked too hard, they’ve all worked too hard just for him to put a toe over the line because Ryo doesn’t like being told no. They’re taking every part of him, they take his voice and his looks and his energy. They can’t take this, not one last chance. He won’t let it happen.

He tells her it’s the usual rules, there’s a prize. Chi says that she never wins, it doesn’t really matter. She gives him the kiss in advance, stands up and says it’s late. She disappears into the bedroom.

Ryo sighs, flips over the cards. Three hearts, three hearts and she could have won. He would have let her win.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He’ll take her to Paris, and he promised her this. Paris, Spain, the Savannah and he promised he will take her away from all of this. Now, tonight.

She pressed her face into the fabric of his shirt, because they were going to run away and she said that they were beautiful. The cool, beautiful shirts and he laughed. She said the book ended badly, so we will never talk about it. She said that maybe it’s a story, that every love has it’s tragedies. And he asked her what is theirs. You love me, don’t you. Will this end badly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That morning, she’s sitting in the kitchen and she’s waiting for him with the coffee made and her eyes tired. Ryo, we need to end this. I love you, I’m so sorry. I know I said it once and I meant it when I said it and I mean it even now, but we have to end it. I’m sorry, I love you. I can’t do this because I don’t think we can do this.

What changed, he asked. You’re going to run away to Europe? You’re going to do what you always do, which is run. Right.

Chi looks at him, eyes blank and a perfectly practised smile. Oh yes, I should run to Europe. I could go to Spain and I’ll drink a toast to you, drink whilst sitting in the beach and think that you’re so far away and how you said you never wanted to see me again—

“I was fucking mad at you, Pi. I was mad and you were going to destroy everything.”

“You went along with it. I wasn’t just to blame.”

“You wanted to leave the group for your career? Or because you couldn’t stand it, you couldn’t be around someone who knew you so well, someone who wanted you to focus and get yourself together. So daddy doesn’t love you, so everyone else thinks you can’t act for shit. Who the fuck cares. You’re still you. They let you walk through those doors, they signed you. They think you’re worth a damn.”

“And when is that enough, when is that ever enough?”

“It’s enough for me.”

“Your opinion doesn’t matter, it hasn’t since you told me to disappear. So I’ll do that. I’ll disappear again for you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ryo goes to work angry, tension rising as they sit through meetings for scheduling, discussions on recording and how they’re going to do this. It’s all official crap, in rooms with men in suits and their lives written out in black and white for the next three months.

Lover’s spat, Yoko asks him. Ryo grunts and Yoko sighs and says, there were five very wise men who said to give peace a chance.

And one of them ended up getting shot.

I’m just saying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He makes the phone call during the break. Hey, can you see me. I’m sorry for this morning. Actually, I’m not sorry.

I don’t know what you’re talking about, and she’s confused and honest but says yeah, we have a fight. It was a big one, wasn’t it. I read your song, Ryo. I don’t care what you say, I don’t care what’s going on anymore. I don’t know if it was a song. It’s like you’re trying to reach someone, someone who isn’t me because that wasn’t for me—

“It was for you. Don’t you understand.”

“Ryo, please.”

“Tell me, tell me that you will stay. Because all this would be for nothing if you run.”

“Christ,” she sighs. “I don’t know.”

“You never did,” Ryo remarks quietly. “You never knew what to do, you just did what people told you to.”

“I can change that.”

“Can you.”

“I’ll meet you. Shibuya.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

They say that it was sudden. It was all out of nowhere, and that she was walking and pushed a child out of the way and the car got her instead. So many eye witnesses, for a girl in her twenties and for a moment, they all had to watch the show. It was horrifying, it was traumatic. It was everything that should not happen to kind hearted young adults in the middle of the day.

And then there was Nishikido Ryo, that’s what got the press talking. Excuse me, he shouted. Move. Move aside. Now.

Because that’s his girlfriend, isn’t it. His girlfriend died together, he didn’t even see her die. All he saw was the crowd and pushed himself through and he’s got his arms around her, begging her over and over and over and then who knows what he was saying. But all they say is that it was sudden, it was a car, it was all over in a moment. It’s horrible, isn’t it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ryo locks himself in the bathroom and he refuses to come out. He locks himself in there, head in his hands and thinks how could it be like this. How could this be, how it is that no matter what he does or what he wants, there’s some higher power that just says no. Then again, you can’t always get what you want.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s what really happened:

Ryo called her. He called her and said, “Your real name isn’t Chiku.”

“I knew that much.”

“Where are you?”

“Walking from the train station, going to the crossing.”

“Your real name, you’re. You were something special, you always will be special. And I’m the asshole here, because you were going through a hard time and things happened and we had a fight. The same types of fight you and I have even now. But I don’t care about that. I just. You came back to me.”

“I ran away to Europe,” Chiku said, “I ran away, right. And you and I had fights about it.”

“And our group. We had other people, we hurt a lot of people.”

“And now, are we hurting people?” she asked, “Or just each other.”

He pushed through the crowd, and said: “No. We just love each other. It’s that complicated, that simple.”

She was meant to reply, but then he heard skidding, he heard shouting and the phone line was cut and people screaming. And that, all that—Ryo should be hysterical but he’s not because deep down, he knew that he was trying to defy destiny, and this is what he gets, this is what happens when you try to take it all into your own hands. It gets snatched away.

He washed his hands the moment they got him home. Because he was there, sitting at the scene and saying that you can’t leave me, I have so much to tell you. I took so much from you, we have so much to do together. I’m so sorry, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, Tomo. Please forgive me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ryo sits in the bathroom, clean hands and his back against the wooden door. Then he starts laughing. Because oh god, Chi is dead. He just killed her.

Because if he hadn’t done this, if he hadn’t made all this happen—however the fuck it happened, because Ryo’s rewritten his life, written over Pi’s—if he hadn’t done all this, she wouldn’t be dead. Maybe Pi would be alive, the two of them not talking about how they aren’t going to ever be happy together or something like that.

And then maybe he’s laughing a little too loud, because he’s not sure. Okay, he’s screaming. Ryo’s screaming and yelling, and then there’s someone on the other side of the door. He can hear them, arguing whether or not to break it down. Yoko had to take him home, Yoko and his manager were there and now everyone else is holding court in his living room, trying to figure out what the fuck just happened besides the fact, hey. Ryo’s girlfriend got hit by a fucking car.

Oh god, Ryo thinks. My girlfriend got hit by a car. I get what I want and then she gets hit by a car. The universe finally came to collect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When they break down the bathroom door, Ryo is lying on the cold tiles and not saying a word.

 

 

 

 

 

 

They say he was screaming and yelling and they were scared. Ryo sounded like he was about to hurt himself, to do something drastic and terrible. And he wouldn’t let them in.

Ryo says yes, I didn’t want to let you in. I was on my hands and knees, do you know what it’s like to beg for the universe to give you back something that’s been taken away. They say there’s seven stages, but they’re such a fucking lie and Ryo’s laughing again. It’s a joke, he tells them. Those seven stages are a joke, because everything hits him likes crashing waves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ryo goes to Odaiba that night. Everyone’s asleep in his living room and Ryo takes his keys and gets into his car and he drives across the bridge and he thinks about how they fussed. Everyone thought he was going mental, they actually asked him to his face. Yasu with his brow creased, saying that Ryo must be going mental. First he was laughing, then screaming, but he’s not crying.

Ryo’s not going to cry over this.

He drives across the damn bridge, gets out of the car and pulls off his shoes and walks onto the sand.

I hate you, Ryo whispers to the beckoning lights that promised him hope and disaster and the tricks of destiny. This is his sorry replacement. This is destiny separating them once more. Tomo, I hate you, I _hate_ you, where the hell are you. You said you wouldn’t leave me. Why do you keep leaving me.

I love you, Ryo whispers to the lights across the quay that gave him hope and disaster. Once more, Tomo never hears him. I love you. I hate you. Where are you.

If he could have, Ryo would have walked into the water and never come out. Ryo doesn’t, because that’s not going to solve anything. He sits down on the sand and looks at the lights and thinks about how many times he’s gone here, come to the bay and said words that he meant and wished he could take back. How many times it was Pi, it was Chi. And how it’s all over, and no one is to blame but Ryo.

So, Ryo closes his eyes.

I don’t have to love you anymore, he thinks. I can just not love you. But can you come back. I’ll never fall in love with you again, not in this life or anymore. Or I could love you, but I don’t need you to be with me. I don’t know what I want, and neither did you. He thinks that none of this is fair, that if they were mechanical, if they didn’t feel or hurt, that things like this wouldn’t happen. Or would it.

Maybe he really has gone mental.

Ryo sits there until the sun rises, and he looks on as the light hits the water. And he thinks, hopes. That perhaps they can start over.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The first time Nishikido Ryo kissed Yamashita Chiku was when he realised that Yamashita Tomohisa stopped existing to become her, so they could do everything on this earth together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When he returns home, there’s no one there. He searches for a cardboard box and even that’s gone. His bathroom door isn’t broken. There’s no headline in the papers talking about a traffic accident in Shibuya. Yamapi’s on the billboards for Toshiba. Ryo has to stand outdoors for a photoshoot, holding an umbrella over his head. Hina is shoved next to Maru and Ohkura and they share an umbrella as well. Subaru splutters when they shove him into a red raincoat and Yasu snickers and says he looks like a fire truck.

“At least he’s not wearing gum boots,” Yoko yells.

Ryo doesn’t care. He really doesn’t care at all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When it’s late, he takes a walk, until his feet are screaming and his sneakers are soaked. The rain makes him nostalgic, for memories that shouldn’t exist. The night air is cool and damp from the rain, and it stops by the time Ryo realises that he probably should just go home. Get some rest. Tomorrow will become another day.

Kanjani will tour the nation. This is what he’s meant to do (and his destiny will always be written by the lights, the mocking lights that will not let him rest because there are no real stars in Tokyo, the stars in Tokyo are the ones who smile on stage and cast a magic spell on the cameras) and Ryo tells himself that he cannot fail and he cannot give up.

When he goes home, Ryo washes his hair. Washes away a day of discussions over the concerts they’ll be having soon, that perhaps they might want to write songs during the tour to add to the set list. He stands under the shower, lets the water run over him and tries not to scream and yell. There’s no one to break down the door, there’s just waves that keep hitting him over and over. He wants to be angry, that everyone is fine, that they expect him to laugh and to smile. But to everyone else, Ryo is being quiet, and he knows that it really how it is. They did not trade their hope for a chance that disappeared like a rabbit in a magic trick. They did not live a second life, so Ryo can only be angry at himself for buying into it. Because Chi was Tomo but Tomo was not his to begin with, so Chi was never his and Tomo never will be.

Yamapi will do the drama with Katori and Ryo finds himself wistful, because he thought 2Shingo would have been hilarious.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The read-throughs for a movie was meant to be simple because they’re just reciting lines off a script but everyone and their dog will be judging him because they think he’s just a nice face but no talent and Ryo knows the status quo. He knows that he’s signed himself onto the big screen to prove a point, to say that he is Nishikido Ryo, that he can be something more if they would just let him. He takes his bows, sits at the table with a pen and highlighter, he wants everyone in that room to hear him, to know that he can do this. There was no mistake when they picked him for this role. Ryo does not make mistakes. He does not let himself get nervous, stilling his tapping foot and taking deep breaths when he feels the electric buzz coiling in his stomach. Tells himself over and over that it’s fine. He is fine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is no funeral service because it never happened, she never existed in to everyone else. She belongs in pages that were ripped out and burnt to ash and so Ryo will not mourn her. He tells herself not to mourn someone who does not belong in his lifetime and so Ryo carries on as though it is now. He does not buy a box of books to read, he actively tries not to search for Pi, because Ryo’s the one who actually wished so hard for something he couldn’t have. Ryo wants to be sick at that notion, of people being kind to him because he’s sad over a girl who was the man who he might love and now that really does make him sick because they don’t even know, they have no idea of how they met her and smiled with him. Ryo cannot stomach his lunch, he does not eat properly because he finds himself disgusting for wanting this, for rewriting his fate with childish desires and trying to turn his world backwards. This cannot be normal, this cannot be the thoughts of a good man and Ryo has to stop himself from throwing a chair out the window. When he sees Yamapi in the hallways of the jimusho, Ryo has to nod a greeting and Yamapi smiles at him politely, as though they’ll do this for the rest of their lives. Because quiet and civil acknowledgement is what can only be expected between two friends who are only little more than strangers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ryo goes to the temple, washes his hands and they shake in the air. He spits the water from his mouth and he gasps. Takes in a breath. He leaves without a prayer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

With each day he lives, Ryo must remake himself into the man he once was. Into Nishikido Ryo who is from Osaka, who was in NEWS, who loved Yamapi but cares for Kanjani. He does not allow himself to write a love song. Ryo is quieter than usual, but just nods and says he’s fine. People keep asking if he is okay, because his schedule is quite heavy. They ask if he’s okay, because the weather is changing and his health has not always been strong. They ask if he’s okay, because they don’t know better. And Ryo says that he’s absolutely okay and that he’s fine, although he does not actually believe it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The truth is, Ryo loved her, loved him. And all of it is faded away into a non-existent moment, a rip in time and space that will only be the song that lingers in his heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

One night, his doorbell rings and Pi is standing there.

“I hate you.”

“Excuse me?”

“How can you keep going on like everything is okay,” Pi asks him, “As though every day, none of it matters.”

Ryo remains speechless and Pi pulls out a piece of paper, folded and hands it back to him.

“Once, I met you. We were young and reckless and a little stupid, and not so beautiful. But you become more than anyone ever thought and I could never give you what you want. I was your best friend, I was the guy who laughed with you, not the one who makes you laugh. You will go to places, and breathe air from the highest mountains and I will hate you, not because of your success but because the distance between us grows each day,” and Yamapi shakes his head slowly, “I read it. I read it the night you gave it to me. Because this isn’t a song. You told her it was a song, you wanted to write a song. You were writing to me. You told her, you told me. You said we could go. Run. You hate running. Don’t lie about it, you hate when I run so why would you run with me.”

“She loved me.”

“I love you.”

Ryo’s fingers curl up around the words he’s written and Pi remains his doorstep.

“I died,” Pi tells him, “I died for you, Ryo.”

“I didn’t—”

“You took everything from me, Ryo. You took away my name, my face, my life. And now you want to act as though everything is okay when you had to rewrite my entire existence because—”

“I loved her. I loved her and when she died—”

“She was me,” Pi explodes. “She was me and I was her and don’t lie to me, don’t act as though we were separate people because you got what you wanted.”

“And then you died,” Ryo hisses. “I held a corpse, you had no heartbeat, you were bleeding all over me. You died and you said you loved me but you still _died_ —”

“Which makes me the bad guy? What type of logic that?”

“There is none. I’m sorry.”

“We love each other,” Yamapi says. And Ryo thinks yeah, that kind of sucks but Pi smiles, “It’s that complicated, that simple.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Destiny has a funny way of turning. Ryo’s not going to be a star of the world, not the sky. He’ll let Pi shine on this city, and maybe they can start over, maybe they’re picking up from where they left off. To himself, Ryo thinks of Yamapi and thinks of her and thinks that Tomo heard him, every word and every moment shared. Thinks of shining lights across the bay and how the lights were witness to each minute they shared, that Ryo can still sing on a stage and there are songs to be written, to believe in. How Yamapi will still do what people tells him, not know what he wants. And that maybe not tomorrow, maybe not today, but one day. Together. They might have the moments to do everything on this earth together, defying destiny and all.  



End file.
